But hours later as I gradually awake, the first thoughts haunt me: what am I doing?
With my life I mean. With everything. What the hell am I doing?!
On those kinds of mornings I know I'm already in a funk. Why is it that I feel so unsettled some mornings when I wake, while others find me so chipper? The differences can be startling. When I meditate on this, when I carefully examine what is going on with me, I arrive at certain understandings.
I feel better about everything when I have a primary orientation in life. Something that I believe in, that I can get in and grapple with.
When I'm in a funk I have to get to my baseline, return to my starting point.
I'm here. I've been given a life. It won't last forever. It's my responsibility to do something with it. At the end of it all, I want to be able to look back and have no regrets. In order to do this I must have aspirations to pursue, and believe I have the ability to achieve them. To create the life I truly desire.
Then I move to my yearnings. I aspire to be and do. These aspirations are evolving.
I want to make and move. I want to be a creator and continually explore my own creative expression. I want to have fun. I want to fill my life with rich experiences. I want to bear witness to a string of magical moments. I want to be brave, bold, take risks, and experiment -- with everything. I want to feel good. I want to expand my ability to be a sensualist as I walk around on this planet, and allow myself to deeply feel amity, comedy, love, fierceness, tragedy, tears, rage, simple joy, and utter bliss. I want to be emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually open. I want to express kindness, generosity, empathy, and gratitude daily. I want dancing, laughing, and singing to be my middle name.
I started this blog many years ago to remember. To have a record of my efforts mainly in remodeling my house because it was such a struggle. Back then I called it My Filthy Hovel. Now that the big hurdles have been overcome and the hovel has turned into my man cave, it's just about all the stuff I'm into these days.
Isn't what we do mostly a reflection of our closely held values? It's a good idea to occasionally reflect on those values or at least to strive toward a higher realization of them.
Isn't what we do mostly a reflection of our closely held values? It's a good idea to occasionally reflect on those values or at least to strive toward a higher realization of them.
Here are words, concepts, values, and aspirations that are very meaningful to me:
KINDNESS
INTEGRITY
PLAYFULNESS
COURAGE
TRUTH
BEAUTY
MATH
and some decent