Why is this so hard?

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

1. Good: I've gone through a lot of stuff, made several truckloads of stuff to the dump, given a lot of stuff away that I hope will be appreciated by others, and found some letters and mementos that made me smile.
2. Bad: While pulling everything out in the open to sort, we were pummeled by rain and hail storms the last few days. Some books and things I value and have carried and sheltered for years got wet. I haven't had the heart to find out to what extent. Also, I gave away some things that I regret; all my artist and architect materials. Gone.
3. Ugly: Encountering images of myself in boxes and piles of papers. Me in broken relationships. Me in faltering careers. Me in a lost and lonely universe. Is it resolution I lack? I have a tendency to avoid unpleasant things. I turn my head and look for distractions instead of the gentle accommodation of inevitable change. As a result, the things I can't face sit there in a box and wait.

I resolve to resolve more. Just to take some time to say to myself, that part of my life is over. It's okay. It's okay.

Taking longer than I thought

The idea was to take a week to go through everything I own and get rid of as much stuff as possible. It's taking longer that I thought.

I've had some great help from my friend Carolina. But it looks like it'll take at least another week.

There are moments when this is absolutely torturous.

Images of my progress

Tough day

Today was hard.

It's bad enough having to cleanup a space that has become the domain of semi-feral cats. Cat detritus. Cats fighting, fucking, and farting and leaving signs. They used some of my good coats as shredding posts. Then there is the smell. I thought I liked cats.

But there is more.

I had to go through boxes of stuff. My stuff. From the past. And it's just the beginning. I had a hard realization today that this is more than just cleanup or creating a space for myself. I'm having to face psychological complexity. Face myself. Face my defects. Face my past.

I have always avoided facing unpleasant things. I wrestled with that today.

But, the day is done. I made a dent. Got rid of some stuff.

Tonight, gonna drink some beer. Maybe have some Ben and Jerry's. Watch a movie.

Where to start?

OK. Make a list.

First on the list? Cleanup.

When I bought this place, I dumped the accumulation of decades of stuff into it. This week I'm going through everything I own and toss.

This could be painful ...